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I dont know if anyone is reading this... i guess i can just write to myself... see if i can clear my head of all the torment that has been infesting my brain.

I think I am going to loose it. It seems like all around me people dont get along. And as a result, something gets torn from me. It has happened all my life. 2 years old... first memory, Dad leaving for Japan. 11 years old, move to Colfax, leave home... get over it easily, because no Jack... that equals freedom, and for the first time in my life, I feel at home. 15, Dad wants to raise me... move to Seattle. Dont like it, want to go home. 16, Dad gets married, have to move again, when I am finally getting used to things, made a good group of friends for the first time in my life. 31, Dad gets divorce with Nancy, not cool with that being that my brother and sister are in the fucking middle... and last but not least... 32, Mom is divorcing Grant, she moves to Oregon soon... and my home, my precious home... my home town... is no more.

One could surmise from this that I am absolutely and unequivocally home sick. Not only that, I am loosing my home. If my mother moves to Oregon, I will no longer be able to go home. Now, I am a person who enjoys his home. Colfax is a small town, with interesting people, plenty of trees, with plenty of rivers to gold mine and enjoy. Not to mention the memories that I have... all the memories... it is desturbing Not to mention some people that I love more dearly than my own dear mother. That is saying a lot. I need to tell this to my mom. I need to let her know that I have been crying myself to sleep every night for the past 2 weeks, and haunted with some screwed up dreams to boot. I need to let her know that if I am going to go home, it will be for about 5 days in Colfax, and not Oregon. It would feel rather weird, but I would be home. Going to see my mom is one of the reasons I go home, not THE reason, but a BIG reason. So in that regard, it would feel a bit lonely. I love my mom and I enjoy going to see her, I love spending time with my mom. She is my mom. Who doesnt love their mom?? But anyhow...

I dont know what to do. I dont know if i should take this so seriously, but I am anyways, so what does that say about me? I get sentimental when it comes to home I guess. Hell, moving out of my old house in Yokosuka was a little emotional for me, being that it was my first apartment, had a lot of good memories.

Who knows.... I am tired... depressed, thank god my wife and kid are here to cheer me up, other wise i would go insane. But the one thing that kills me the most in all this, and the reason why I feel like a dick, is because of her. I think about her everyday. I dream about her all the time. Of all the girls that I have known, she is the first one I ever loved, and the one that my mind wont let go of. I dont know if I like not being able to see her again... in fact I dont like it at all. She is a great friend, and someone whose presence I enjoy way too much to let go. And not just her, although she is number one, but her family as well. Maybe I need to let go... who knows. Maybe I need to meditate to get back to here and now... living in the past and clinging to it is not so good for you.... I would know.

Mar. 2nd, 2011

i now know not to do what my wife says when she says go ahead. i am tired of being wrong every time i am in a confrontation with that psycho bitch. i love her to death, but i have found myself to be a person who doesnt like being around someone that i have no common core interests with. my wife is such a person, and now i am stuck by the family. mine and hers. i am tired of constantly taking the blame for her fat ass. i think now would be a great idea to just rap on her for all the shit she does that annoys the fuck out of me.

1- her infatuation with fashion.
2- going out shopping with her
3- having to help her with dinner everynight.
4- feeling obligated to help her with whatever she is doing when i am just trying to come home and relax.
5- not being able to do my drugs around her because she is a straight edge.
6- the sex....oh the sex. love the fact that she loves porn. hate the fact that the frequency of her putting out is maybe once or twice a month, and to top that off, complaining when i talk about sex or ask for sex. its like trying to set a shuttle launch. i am tired of it, and want the romance of just doing it WHENEVER, not to mention the fact that i am too big for her.
7- she is always trying to get me to put on her face treatment shit.
8- this one is the worst and makes me contemplate divorce every time i think about it. she... hates... my... drawings. its the one thing i am naturally good at, and for her to tell me she doesnt like it, its ok. but for her to tell me that she hates it... i think i need to get her out of my way.
9- her insisting that we have a huge wedding in hawaii. i know owe her dad in the uppers of 8000 dollars
10- she is constantly telling me that i cant do the english class alone. i could do it better than her if she would just get the hell out. the only thing that would be missing are the pictures and emails that the parents get. i think the parents would love to hear their children speaking English rather than recieve kiss ass emails.

i know there would probobly be more, but i am going to hold off there. i am sure this will all fade within time, but the more i read this, the angrier i get. i am no ones slave, and that is what it sounds like huh? in this marriage, i am a slave. i intend to fucking break this shit off the moment she is demanding a kid. i am not going to take that step ever with HER!! fuck that. i dont want kids anyways, and she is trying to change my mind. fuck that, i have better things to do in my life than to download all my bullshit onto some kids pristine innocent brain free of limits and prejudice. fuck that.

i hate my wife. i really do.
2010 meme thing. Stolen from Lada. :D, then stolen from lizzard.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
got married.

2 Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i dont make them, but if i see something that needs doing, i do it. simple as that. for example. thought it was about time to quite smoking, so i did.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
jeez, i dont think so.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes, my grandma betty. you wanna talk about a grandma, she was everything and then some. hot cocoa WITH marshmallows. and she was a loving person most of all. I regret not being able to say goodbye, but we will meet again. pretty sure of that.

5. What countries did you visit?
heheehe, japan. i live here now.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
well, spend a little more time with the Mrs.

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
my marriage. pretty important.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
none. i dont live by achievments or failures.

9. What was your biggest failure?
see number 8

10.Did you suffer illness or injury?
kind of. got into drugs. synthetic weed. scared my face with acne probobly for life. its bad. but suffer? no. i am trying to forget about how good it was. brought me back to a few memories and emotions i forgot i had.

11.What was the best thing you bought?
an apple.

12.Whose behavior merited celebration?
my wife. she is a super wife.

13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
my own.

14.Where did most of your money go?
a wedding. still paying for it.

15.What did you get really, really, really excited about?
i dont really get that excited, but my brother came to tokyo, and i was HAPPY.

16.What song will always remind you of 2010?

17.Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
much happier, why wouldnt i be?

18.What do you wish you'd done more of?

19.What do you wish you'd done less of?

20.How did you be spent Christmas?
with the wifey, again her superness shines very bright. she cooked a meal fit for a king and then the rest is my business.

21 is missing. Huh.
i know, weird huh?

22.Did you fall in love in 2010?
i did!! i fell in love with all the little kids i teach! not like that! get your mind out of the gutter.

23.How many one-night stands?
none, im married, though the wife has given permission. i think that would help a lot of marriages. give eachother permission, and you will find out how much more they want to be with you. if you love something, let it free.

24.What was your favorite TV program?
NCIS- Abby is my dark gothic secret.

25.Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no. i hate no one. i litterally mean no one. if you said hitler, i would say i dont hate him. dont like his actions for what he did, but i have learned to love people no matter what. people who have been to heaven and back say that the universal truth is love, nothing else. so love unconditionally. cause that is what makes life so bright, all the love.

26.What was the best book you read?
men are better than women.... very funny and somewhat true.

27.What was your greatest musical discovery?
all those remixes of my number one favorite song, dream of an absolution.

28.What did you want and get?
french bread.

29.What did you want and not get?
french bread(not enough)

30.What was your favorite film of this year?
harry potter.... cried like a bitch when doby died.

31.What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
yaki niku, draft beer, and my wife. very good day. i am now 28.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if the drugs i had taken didnt have any physical side effects.

33.How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
well, i dressed in overgrown clothes. i had no fashion sense being that i am not a woman.

34.What kept you sane?
me. its all i have.

35.Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
none, i dont look to other people so faithfully for entertainment, BUT!!! i do love joe madureira. the guy is the best comic/videogame artist ever to live.

36.What political issue stirred you the most?
none, all politics are is people complaining that they dont get what they want. think about it.

37.Who did you miss?
Everyone of my friends that i cant see on a daily basis. but i know instinctively they are enjoying life.

38.Who was the best new person you met?
courtney lewis and liz peterson, they are my.... i am not going to say soul mates, but they are in fact 2 of the most genuine people who are open to whatever change comes their way and 2 of the best friends a single person on this earth could ever ask for. besides, they look pretty too, the both of them. and i met them both before i left for my new life in japan.

39.Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
3 actually.
1-paradox, life is an unsolvable mystery, so dont bother.
2-humor- keep a free no-bars-hold humor about everything including yourself, its a strength beyond ALL measure.
3-change, know that it can come at any time and anywhere. flow with it instead of paddling uselessly upstream.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
i leave this one blank. figure it out yourself.
Why isn't marijuana legal when tobacco is?

This is interesting. i have been smoking the good stuff for about a month now, and i have actually almost quit smoking tabacco. i think MJ is good for you when you use it at the right time, in company of good people, and to use it responsibly. same rules go with alcohol. i think its the safest drug out there personally. but, like any other drug, it has a potential for miss use. there is a websight i got into, and this guy pretty much tells it how it is. here it is....


any drug aside from MJ, i think its a matter of choice on what one does with their own body AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT EFFECT THOSE AROUND YOU!!!! people sending others to rehab and all that kind of shit, i dont agree with rehab in general. personally, i think a person should just not say anything about it, or if you are going to tell someone, share it with very trusted people who you know can take the truth that people will do what they will do. there is no real way to control the masses. and for people to tell someone that they cant do something to themselves, its a very controling, young, naive thing to even suggest. as for MJ compaired to tabacco, the only reason why it isnt legal, i think is because of the tabacco companies. these guys have been around forever and a half, since the begining of the US. you want to talk about monopoly, there ya go. if weed was made legal, people would definatly want to go with that instead of tabacco. also, they put so many addictive chemicals in that, as well as stuff that will just make you feel like your sinking into the 9th layer of hell, that people would definatly go for the high of MJ, than the down of tabacco. this is not a oil or eugenol thing, this is about the tabacco companies controling the market and having a nice hold on law makers that are invested in their companies. think about it.
seriously thinking about divorce. its only been one fucking month and this bitch doesnt get the fact that i wont change unless i want to. now...NOW i see what tom leykis is talking about. every little fucking thing. so i am going to try to put my fucking foot down tonight, and if that doesnt work, i dont know what to do.

a new beginning.

have any of you ever had a... apifany, as to how your life could be different and if you could give up one thing and add other things in its space, you could be more of what you want to see or have always seen yourself as? for me, i guess, its a physically good looking guy, also, has a brain under his cap, and is somewhat charming. well, i have always been that sort of. but instead of persuing this state-of-being's improvment, i sought to stay on a road of meaningless activity that had eventually dumbed me down. i feel less intelligent as a result, and instead of concentrating of then important things in life, i pursued this future. god dam, they should have intervention for this shit. you ready for the truth??????

i am a fucking world of warcraft addict!!!

i would go to work, come home, and play wow, all day, all fucking day, all fucking week. it was my choice to do this instead of STUDYING, PARTYING, MEETING PEOPLE, hell doing weed would be a healthier choice than the fucking game.

so after a long time, i am done with that game, i am done with it in a whole, and i am going to get rid of all the video games i am playing eventually, because i have all these books in my room that i have not read, and that i am dying to read. so i am done with this charade.

sounds pathetic huh? yeah, well, this is pathetic, that a mere video game could be such a hinderance on my life. im tired of not being in control, so i am taking my life back. time to play real world of warcraft, with real fuckin people. although, unfortunately people dont swordfight anymore, i would really like to fight someone for real. god dam....

a cool time....

Just sitting here on webcam with my sweetheart masako, god i really wish i could slip underneath the covers with her and hug her. that would make my day. a lot has been going on these days, watched the anime Berserk, loved it, though the nedig sucked ass, because they dont show you that last episode and what happens to Gatsu. but they did put a little bit of it in the first episode. but still, the ending sucked! love the soundtrack. love the song forces, Liz, i blame you for that one.

went mountain biking with friends, crashed a whole lot, my chest hurts because i fell on my handlebars and it went right into my chest. but fun stuff none the less. did a lot of jumps. crashed one time i front of a group of people, one person fuckin said that he wish he could put it on you youtube. what a jerk off!! but hey, i would have sai the same thing maybe. says a lot about me huh?

my friend is in a marriage with a wife, and they have a kid. i thought ok, this is what he wanted. but day, last night the truth all came out. he was saying how he wished he was single again, how he was not happy with being with her, and how she never gave up any to him but once a month. i was sad for him, and still am. but this raises a question in my mind, will masako be the same after she has a kid? i mean, thats just an insult to a guy. once a month???? its not fair, for the girl or the guy. they are in a marriage, and for a guy, just to let you all know, SEX IS IMPORTANT!!!!! it makes us feel loved and important to all you ladies. and as you know, men are creatures of action.... so that is how we say, i love you, in its rawest form. and for me, if i am not getting it with masako at least 3 times a week, i would get pissed, ROYALY. but i think you have to be honest as well, so keep this in mind, when you go into marriage, be honest as possible, i would go as far as to say that even little white lies are dangerous in a marriage. hold nothing back!!!


i havent had a bitch fest in a while. so here we go, dont go mad while reading....

In all the years I have reveled in being me, from the stepping stones of naivety to slipping and cracking my head, I have yet to let go of simple mistakes made. Such insignificant memories that would be so easy to forget in an ordinary persons life are grudgingly hard to be rid of in mine. My life has moved on from the past, and yet, a spark of nostalgic influence provokes the memories to wake again. In a way, I am the embodiment of hypocrisy. I tell others so much to move on with their lives, and yet, you find yourself at square one in my shoes. Its pathetic…. I AM PATHETIC!! Why do other peoples actions, or lack thereof, scar the deepest recesses of our hearts, whether we say we car, or don’t care. In an effort to control my heart, my emotions, and my thoughts, I trick and lie to myself to put the pain in a cage and lock it in a dark room, where I intend to keep it forever. But the irony in that is every once in a while, I will take a moment to revisit and look at the caged beasts that I call painful memories. Like a zoo, like my own sadistic zoo, in which to trick myself into believing that I have learned something, when I should just leave them there locked away and never look at them again. But there is such beauty in pain. A lot of people don’t see it or choose to look away, but its like a drug my eyes, because it makes the good in life look that much brighter. Or sometimes I like to thrive in its misery, and enjoy the self-torment. This is the real me. This is Jude. The confident person is but a mere shadow of what I want myself to be, like a shell, a thick one. But with all these things out in the open, there is hope, hope that I get myself out of this twisted maze of me, and get to me. Confusing? Good, you should be stumped… ehheehehehhehe.

should i be angry?

hmmm, a little hurt when i think about it. i told masako i had to go to bed, then she starts joking saying she is going to find another guy, or something like that, being that she doesnt want me to go, and then tells me she wish that i would die. i told her i did nothing to deserve that, and she gets sad. so now i am thinking on it, and i should be mad, not that i am a little sad that she would say those things, but should i be angry on this? because i kind of am angry.

talked to my brother, i agree that he is now the coolest and most refreshing person to talk to. and he is a cop around were i live currently, and reassured me that moving to japan is the best thing for me. i agreed. so i am trying to take it all in stride. he is going to go to hokaido in febuary to go SKIING, fun stuff. so we will try to meet up with him there. I LOVE SKIING!!!! i am am going ot attempt the snowboard for the first time. i am going to eat it soooo bad.

hmmm, well, wondering about contacts, i need them, or even better eye laser surgery. that would be nice not to have to wear glasses. i think everyone would agree. i look in my prime without my glasses.

i hurt my left arm working out, put too much stress on it. need to remember to GO SLOW. i am always trying to push myself too much. i need to rest it up, and work out my upper chest. everything else is fine. maybe need to work out hip flexor too.
a change comes nessasary in all our lives at one point or another. i guess "god" has put his feet down in this case. try not to laugh at me when i tell this story.

this weekend, i was knee deep in WOW. i have a really nice character. Tank warrior. best gear in the game. well, someone stole my account, i am going to get it back, but i cant be on that dam thing anymore for the length of time i used to spend on it. i need to rassion out my "wow time". either that, or just quit. because i am tired of doing this. anyways. laughing yet?? i thought so. anyways. thats all, need to draw/study. later all. by the way, i am still on to come to washington. give me a holar.

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